It's time to come clean..........
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This is my lengthy post that I've been working on all week.......... here goes:
This post may upset some people, but as the title says... its time to come clean......
It's time for you all to know the truth.....................................................................................................
I'm really a man.
Kidding, haha.
But on a serious note, if you have any inkling as to what this might be about, and it concerns you, you might want to stop reading. If you keep reading, I'll not be held responsible for any emotional duress that may occur. Some of this is a rehash of things that I've already posted, but I tried to include things of importance.
This post has to do with the last several months and the events that have transpired in that time. I've felt somewhat restricted in my posts as of late, because I've wanted to try to keep the peace at work and in other areas of my life. You probably know by now what this is about.........
My relationship with Kurtis has been over for a little over a month and a half, so I figured that enough time has passed to talk about some of the things that surrounded that. There was one event that triggered the avalanche, per se. In that relationship there were problems... outwardly I tried to pretend that everything was okay when it really wasn't... I'm not going to state all of the reasons it failed, and I'm not going to tell you all of the problems, because I don't think that it's anyone's business really. I thought that maybe things would change if this or that happened, but I was staying in the relationship for all the wrong reasons. In the last several months, I stayed because I was basically afraid of being on my own, afraid of repercussions at work, etc. At Shaff's annual party for his drama graduates, I saw Adam, an old friend of mine who I'd also dated at one time in high school. I was attracted to him and he had taken an interest in me as well, and that was the night that I decided that it was time to leave Kurtis... maybe it was that I realized that I was attractive to other people, I don't know... Kurtis's family was still in town for Christmas, and I wanted to wait until they were gone to make my feelings known... unfortunately, he pressed the issue at work one day about what was going on with me, and the conversation took place at work on Tuesday, January 4th. Kurtis told me to get out that night. I had already had a conversation with my mom about what was going on, and we had previously arranged that I would stay with her for the several weeks or month that it would take me to find my own place... so that evening I moved out of Kurtis's and took my belongings to my mother's.
That first week was a bit of a blur for me... I tried to keep myself busy, went out with Adam a few times... was looking for a roommate; I had ads on a few different roommate sites, but I had the best luck with easyroommate.com. Sometime within the first week, I started talking to Heather, my current roomie. She and I seemed to really hit it off & I enjoyed talking to her... she was/is a smoker, that was really the only problem as far as compatibility goes... There was another girl, Alyssa (sp?) that I was also considering moving in with... she lived in Aspen Park. I met both Alyssa and Heather on the same night... Heather was really cool obviously, Alyssa was nice, too... but I didn't have the same connection as I had with Heather. I was still going out with Adam once or twice a week during this time... Made plans to move in with Heather on Jan 22nd. The following week (17th) Adam went to New Orleans with his sister... didn't hear from him while he was down there & was starting to feel like he was blowing me off... that weekend I was set to move in & my new roomies Heather & Tim were going to have a party that same day, so I'd invited Adam to it when I finally heard from him on that Friday (21st).. the 22nd comes, I get all moved, it's snowing its ass off, the party is due to start around 8........ no word from Adam all day. Tried calling, left voicemails, nothing. Not really sure whether to be worried or pissed off. So I'm hanging out with my new roomies and some of their friends, everyone is playing beer pong... that was my first time ever playing, and Heather and I weren't doing too bad! So 2:30 a.m. rolls around and Adam calls... he said that they wouldn't let him cross the bridge w/ his car because of the snow, then he'd had car problems, he'd forgotten his cell phone, etc... then I tell him that if he wanted to come over the next day that would be cool, we were going to watch a playoff game. He said okay. Don't hear from him on Sunday until 8pm. About this time I'm starting to get a bit of a complex. Then I start thinking that maybe I should just play the field a bit... after all, I had a great time Saturday night at the party... I was meeting a lot of new people, what the hell. Then I hear from him the next week and I change my mind again. Tim and all of his friends go to Perry's in Odenton for karaoke on Wednesday nights... I was convinced to go try that out on 1/26... tried to get Tiff to go with me (she'd come over for dinner that night), but she didn't want to be out that late... so she hung out for a while, helped me pick out an outfit (I had
nothing to wear, it was awful...I hadn't done laundry, so I had very few decent outfits)...anyway, I go up to Perry's... some of the people I recognized from the party on Saturday, but other people were new to me... I decided to sing "Nobody does it better".. the theme song that Carly Simon did for The Spy that loved me... anyway, I got up there... it was the first time I've done that song in karaoke.. I honestly don't think that I did that great of a job with it, but when I walked off the platform, people were clapping and everything... this guy comes up to me and says "You have a beautiful voice." I was kind of embarrassed, actually... here I am thinking that it wasn't that great and people are saying the opposite... but whatever, I'll accept a compliment. This guy happened to be Brian, one of Tim's friends... so we got to talking... told him that I'd moved in with Heather & Tim the weekend before, that I go to AACC, want to go into either psych or English... I joked that I could go into both and just write self-help books. Said that I grew up on the eastern shore, had moved over to this side of the bridge a few years ago... he knew where Denton was, because he said that he's in Ridgely a lot for work... why Ridgely? Because he's a flight instructor and there's a small airport there. When I say small, I mean
small. It's actually down a dirt road. Never been there, but been by it plenty of times. At any rate, he seemed like a really cool guy and we talked for a while that night.
That following weekend, 1/28-30 I went out with Adam & Mike to someplace in Federal Hill (The Royal, schoolgirl night....ugh) that one of my AACC classmates was going to... it turned out to be a bust, so we went to Shorty's that night... met this girl Casey who is a bartender there, had a great time... then the four of us went back to Mike & Tiff's, then Tiff showed up & we all hung out together.
I made plans to go see LC (aka Laughing Colors) on 2/4 at Lapalapa in Ellicott City... it just so happened that Tim decided to have another party on that particular evening... he said it would still be going on that night when I got home, so I stuck with my plan. Got back home around 2 a.m. and sure enough there were still people there. Brian was there, so I talked to him more that night... he was wearing a DuClaw shirt and I mentioned that I love DuClaw... one of us (I think it was me) brought up the fact that they were having their beer release for "naked fish" the following week... Brian asked me if I wanted to go... I thought that'd be fun, so I gave him my number. The following day was Saturday, which was a busy day, had lunch with my dad on the eastern shore, got together with Adam to see Niki Barr play... so he came up that evening, we went to the show, took my roomie Heather and the guy Danny she's seeing with us... that was a bit of a fiasco, because Danny forgot his ID and we had to go all the way back home to get it. Then he (Danny) drank too much and got sick. By the time we got home, I was ready to pass out. Sunday Adam stayed for the Super Bowl... we were originally supposed to be having a party, but two of Tim's friends were having parties... we went to one party until halftime and then went to a different one... this one being within walking distance of home (a good thing). There was beer pong being played, of course... and I was doing some trash talking... which is funny, because I'm really bad at it. I kept calling out "Diesel" (aka Tim, my roomie) and Brian... it was fun... anyway, later that night, around midnight someone gets a call that Brian's roommate (who is part of the group) Mark has gotten in an accident and is in shock trauma. So that put a bit of a damper on things... went home pretty much right after that. Since it was so late, Adam stayed at my house.
Monday morning (2/7) I began mulling over my situation. I realized that I was attracted to someone besides Adam, and that maybe a relationship wasn't what I needed at the moment. The more I thought about it, the better it sounded. I talked to a lot of my friends about it, and they all agreed that I probably needed some `me' time. I thought that it would be fun to be single... to date a few different guys... go out, have a good time... meet new people... the only problem was that I had already made plans with Adam for the following weekend... and I felt bad because I thought that I may have been leading him on... but I didn't know what to say. I'm not the greatest person with confrontation... I'll go out of my way to avoid it, which is ironic because avoiding confrontation usually makes the situation much worse.
I started feeling sick that week... Tuesday night Brian called me at 11 to make plans for the following day... he asked me what time I got off work and what time I wanted him to pick me up. I'm thinking "Pick me up??" I thought that I would just be meeting him & whoever else out at DuClaw. That's the first time I realized that this might be more of a date than people in the group just hanging out... I asked who all was going and he says "I haven't really talked to anyone about it, so I don't know." (I think I found out later that he told all of his friends to not show up!) So the plan was to go to DuClaw and then Perry's for karaoke. At any rate, it was agreed that he would come pick me up on Wednesday (2/9) at 5 and we'd go to DuClaw. That night I had trouble sleeping... I was coughing all night, hardly slept at all... by 7 a.m., I felt like I'd been run over by a truck and I decided that I should probably stay home from work and go to the doctor. Left a message at work that I wouldn't be in... got a hold of the doctor and set up an appointment for 2:45. I was feeling pretty awful and I considered canceling with Brian, but I really wanted to go. I decided to wait to decide until after I'd gone to the doctor to figure out what was up with me... besides, maybe they'd give me good drugs to feel better. ;-) So I sleep the entire morning, get up in the afternoon for my appointment... still feeling pretty rough, but the sleep helped. Go to the doctor, sure enough I have a 101 degree temperature... diagnosis: flu. Grrrrrreat. The doc prescribes me some codeine cough syrup and antiviral stuff called Tamiflu. I figured that would be enough to get me through the evening, so I kept my plans with Brian... after all, he
was picking me up, and I can't remember the last time a guy picked me up for a date. The concept was slightly foreign to me, but I was quite pleased with it. ;-) Not to mention that the doc had told me to stay home from work for the rest of the week, so I didn't have to get up early. I know, not smart reasoning to go out, but oh well... I figure that since I have to use my vacation time for being sick, I might as well have some fun while I'm taking it!
So he shows up at 5, I'm all anxious, don't know what to say or do... I've been running around trying to get ready, trying to stay hydrated, taking enough medicine to keep me going through the evening. We walk out to the car, he opens the passenger side door for me, then shuts it after I get in. I'm positively giddy by this point. It's becoming increasingly clear that this is more of a date than anything else. I was pretty nervous; I have to admit... would we have enough to talk about? I'd talked to him before - and at length at that... but would I be able to hold up my end of the conversation? After all, I'd had a couple beers before talking to him before... would I be able to just relax and talk to him? Turns out that I didn't have much to worry about... after a few minutes the awkwardness wore off (for me, at least)... we went to DuClaw and had a beer... it was crowded, but not nearly as crowded as it usually is during a beer release... Brian ordered the Naked Fish when it came out (they officially released it at 6pm)... it was a `chocolate raspberry stout', I tried it and it was actually pretty good! That's coming from someone who doesn't like dark beer... it was more of a dessert type beer, and you wouldn't be able to drink much of it; it's very rich. After we tired of DuClaw, we went to grab something to eat at Jillian's... ordered burgers. Afterwards, we played some games... Brian had me do the flight simulator game, he talked me through the whole thing... I don't think that I could fly... too many things to think about! Then I beat him at Nascar, haha... he said there was something wrong with his game, so there should be an asterisk by my win. :-P But then he
did beat me at air hockey. :-/ Around 9 we headed up to Perry's for karaoke. It was a good time... signed up to sing, but between the time that I selected my song and my name was called, I had completely lost my voice. I was not a happy camper! Before the end of the night, I'd asked him if he wanted to see The Reagan Years with me on Friday (2/11)... he agreed, of course. I told him that it was my treat, because he paid for
everything Wednesday night. Brian took me home around midnight, walked me to the door & gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It was so sweet. :-)
Thursday (2/10) I slept until noon, woke up for some calls and text messages (including one from Brian asking how I felt & hoping that I felt better soon). Thursday happened to be both Adam's and Mike's birthdays... Adam was spending his in Frostburg, and I was supposed to get together with Mike and go to Shorty's in Canton... our formal going-out night to celebrate both of their birthdays was set to be Saturday. After the calls, I went back to sleep... woke up at 4, then went back to sleep until 7 pm. Yeah, I was just a liiiiiittle bit sick. But I had a commitment to keep... I told Mike that I'd be there, so I was... Tiff met us at Shorty's, too... so I got to hang out with her... that was nice. I spent the night at their place & when I woke up I felt worse than any other day... I felt like I was going to die... it was really bad.
So I went home & went to bed....... Ended up with a migraine...ugh. Late that afternoon I started feeling like I was back among the living..... I had asked a bunch of people to go to the Reagan Years show that Friday night, but the only people who went with me were Tiffany and Brian... we went and had a good time... it probably would have been more fun if we had a bigger group, but it was fun nonetheless... Tiff and I actually ran into one of our classmates up there, and we also saw a few of our teachers from high school. Very weird! I've run into more people that I went to high school with in the past two months than I've seen in the 7+ years since I graduated! While we were at the show, Brian text messaged me "Having a great time! Thanks :)" I texted him back something like I was having a great time too & I was glad that he came... then he sends "Did I mention you look beautiful tonight?" Talk about making me blush!
I spent most of the day Saturday sleeping... then I coordinated with Adam because he and I were supposed to be going out with Mike & a bunch of other people to celebrate Mike's bday at the gay clubs. By this time, I was wishing that I could have gotten out of going, but I felt I had to follow through on the plans. I went over to Mike & Tiff's... the plan was that the group of us was going to eat at the Owl Bar in the Belvedere hotel and then walk to Grand Central and the Hippo. Tiff and Adam were waiting for me when I got there, so we left right away and went to the Owl Bar... I was feeling pretty miserable on top of not wanting to be there... I was also thinking about how I was going to tell Adam that I wanted to date other people... not fun. I was trying all of those things that they call "cooling off signals" in my psych class, but I'm not sure if they were getting through. The night ended with me not being any closer to a bright idea... so I didn't say anything.
On Sunday, (2/13) Brian invited me to this dive called The Loft in Glen Burnie... one of his & Tim's friends was leaving and they were having some kind of going away party for him. I went, of course... hardly anyone showed up, but I didn't really care... we all talked, shot pool for a while and then went home. I was really starting to feel a strong connection with Brian and I was enjoying spending time with him...
Throughout last week, things kept progressing and we were spending pretty much every spare moment with each other... he kept sending the sweet text messages and emails of course... (where my friends and coworkers would mimic the puking face) he always let me know that he was thinking about me... the more I found out about him the more I liked... and he seems to have a nice family, too...... that's more important to me now than it used to be... you can tell a lot about someone from their family in most cases. It seems like he's almost too good to be true. I don't think that's the case though... I think that he is genuinely a good guy... that's just the way that he was raised. I also found out something else... he lives in Aspen Park...... his next door neighbor is
Alyssa, the girl that I would have moved in with if I hadn't moved in with Heather. Is that a freaky coincidence or what - I would have met Brian either way, most likely. Not sure if I believe in fate or not, but you have to admit that it was all pretty weird how it happened.
At any rate, I had gotten a few emails and voicemails from Adam in this time... after much deliberation, I decided that the easiest thing to do would just email him and apologize for the way things happened... he's a nice guy and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I'm sure that I did. Cowardly to email, I know. I'm just sick of dealing with drama (I have it coming from just about every aspect of life right now) and I didn't need any more problems or responsibilities.
Back to my story... Tim had planned on having a party Friday night, (2/18) Brian was going to come over. Tim comes home around 9:20 Friday night... at 9:30 Brian comes through the door and tells Tim that he was just mugged outside... so the two of them run outside to try to chase down the guys. What happened was that these 3 guys were hiding behind the townhouses & some bushes halfway down the court... it's not a well-lit area... Brian got out of his car and the guys approached him, one of them pointed a gun at him and told him to empty his pockets and get on the ground... he did so & they took his wallet, keys, hat & cell phone... then they ran to a car parked on the next street over & took off. So that was exciting. (sarcasm here) The police department showed up almost immediately... I've never seen anyone respond that fast... we must have had 10 different cops in the house by the time all was said and done. That night I took Brian to his place and then his parents' so that he could get everything straightened out... I wasn't really sure what to do because different people handle those things differently... so I just hung around and was physically there, and he was very appreciative.
So that's about where we're at now........ since we've been dating, we've both managed to get each other sick.... I gave him my flu and he gave me some kind of nasty head cold that his roommate has had. Just as I was starting to feel better from the flu, I got hit with this thing... it really sucks to not be able to breathe through your nose! :-P He's flying to SC tomorrow for the weekend, so I'm going to take the opportunity to catch up on some rest and hang out with some girlfriends.
So now that you're officially caught up on what's really going on in my life, what do you think? Have I lost my mind?
I'm extremely happy right now... I can't remember the last time that I felt this good.... Part of it might be the giddiness of the beginning of something new, I imagine... but everything just seems to be going well for me now... I'm independent, living on my own... I'm working towards my degree by taking classes... I'm spending time with my friends... I met an incredible guy that I seem to be compatible with who treats me like a princess... I'm taking my psychology of relationships class so that I can develop healthy relationships (or maintain healthy relationships)... I'm meeting new people... things are pretty damn good!
Well, that should answer all of your burning questions, hopefully....... I hope that I haven't upset anyone or pissed anyone off with this post... if so, then oh well! I have the right to have & express my own feelings and opinions!!! :-P
Everyone enjoy the snow today!!!! That is, if you have it. :-P~
posted by a cautiously optimistic Redskins fan
at 3:01 PM EST
Updated: Thursday, February 24, 2005 5:06 PM EST
celebratory
lazy
special
spacey
bright