let's try this again
Mood:  amorous
Topic: Friends and Family
I was trying to post some pictures of me & Brian, but the quality was all weird, and then I hit the wrong button. Anyway, let's see how it turns out this time!

Looks like the quality still sucks, but oh well, I give up!!!

He's so cute though, isn't he? ;)

looks like it's going to be another one of those nights...
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: crickets
Topic: Miscellaneous goings-on
I had every intention of going to bed on time tonight... even early. But then I was going to watch House, and I still hadn't taken my bath that I've been thinking about all week... *sigh* Even though today is only tuesday!

I'm exhausted but I'm still up. Partially waiting for Brian to call, partially wanting to catch up on blogging, since I've been so neglectful of it.

*yawn*

Oh well, I'll sleep sometime. Maybe this weekend?

Tomorrow I'm going to go to Denton after work to get the mail... I really need to just have it forwarded to my house, but that's yet another thing that I've been slacking on. I just haven't felt like dealing with the estate lately. I don't mind paying the bills and keeping track of all of that, it's the house that I don't feel like dealing with. Add to that that I don't feel like having anyone help me with it and it's just that much worse.

I think I'm going to hop in bed and call Brian. The next few days I won't be able to get any extra sleep either... Perry's tomorrow night (my only night during the week that I get to see my honey), then class on Thursday night. Not to mention that I'm going to have to bring my A game to work on Thursday because we have a prospective client coming in that I'm trying to get business from. SO I have to work on being my usual gregarious self on no sleep. Ahh, joy. I'll just make sure that I get to Perry's early and get my karaoke selection in!

ahhh.............. well, hope everyone is having a good week. Rejoice, tomorrow is HUMP DAY!!!

Me so tired
But I want to take a bath! I meant to do it hours ago, but I've been online playing... and researching digital cameras. Yeah, I went ahead and bought one. A digital camera is one thing that I'd allowed myself to purchase, so as far as large purchases go, I'm getting pretty far down on my list. The only things really left are my Europe trip next spring and probably a printer for my laptop. I think there may have been somjething else, but I can't remember what it was?

Oh, and I've discovered Origins. God help me! I've bought pretty much everything they make, but I LOVE their skincare line - my face feels so good!

In other news, as long as the weather holds up this weekend, Brian and I are going flying! :) Woohoo! And afterwards we're going to ride the duck boats!! I don't even know what I'm more excited about!!!! :):):):):):):):)

Okay, going to take a bath now, really.

Some clarification
Mood:  amorous
Topic: Introspection
Let me just say that I don't think that the love of my life is a nutjob. He is far from it. He's level-headed, intelligent, and very stable.

A few months back, I made a post about his feelings on marriage and people living together before they're married... well, he just read my blog for the first time tonight. :-P So you can imagine that he had a few things to say! Especially concerning that a fellow blogger called him a 'nutjob'. ;)

I honestly think that he will change his mind at some point. I do.

Do I want to get married today? No. Do I think we should rush into something as serious as that? HELL NO. I want to be certain that the person that I'm with is the right one, because I'm not doing it again. Now, do I need 3 years to figure it out? Probably not! I don't think that there should be any time constraints put on something like this... I've found from talking to other people that they just kind of know when the time is right. I think the same thing will probably happen in the future with us... be it a year from now or three years from now. His view is that if you're going to be with someone for the rest of your life, what's the rush anyway.

Let me just say something to all of you guys out there... you might not be concerned about having a family right now, but most women (if they decide that they want children) think about those kinds of things... and for most women that I know, that clock starts ticking around 25. The thing that worries me is putting a time limit on this, so if 3 years from now, Brian decides to trade me in for a newer model (not that I think he ever will [Don't you ever leave me, cause I come find you!!])... I'll be 28 and back to square one. If this happened I would of course be devastated and would probably shut myself in a room and cry for the next year, so that would make me ready to date again somewhere around 29. And what if the next guy has the same ideas?

Here's my main concern... I want to be done with having kids by the time I'm 35. After I'm married, I want some time to enjoy that before adding other human beings into the mix. Because I'd like to wait at least 3 years after I'm married to have kids. So I guess that I have my own time limits that I want to put on things.

So guys, please don't set a time limit on this stuff... when the time is right, it's right. For some people it's 2 days (yes, I've seen it happen, although we'll see how that goes in a year or two), others it's two years. Personally, I don't think that marriage is something that you necessarily need to be all that financially sound for... I think that as long as the couple has an understanding of each other's situations and has a plan for the future, then that should be good enough. I think that a lot of guys think that they aren't man enough if they can't provide for a wife to just sit home and pop out kids. (Did that make sense? I'm tired!) Now kids on the other hand I think you should be financially stable to have.

Damn I just went into a tangent didn't I? I can't even remember if I've made any valid points. Oh well, it makes sense to me.

At any rate, I'm not going anywhere, and if 3 years from now he decides that he doesn't want me anymore, I'll deal with it then. I was going to say that at least they were the best 3 years of my life, but the last two months negate that statement. It has definitely been the best relationship I've ever been in by far, and he is the most incredible man that I've ever met... I'm lucky to have him.

Okay, enough sappiness. You can all go throw up now.

Good night.

Back online
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Miscellaneous goings-on
Well, unfortunately my dad's laptop was possessed by demons (or about a million viruses) and was found to be for the most part inoperable. I was trying to download something and was trying to figure out why it was taking so long (other than me still having dial-up, but that will change soon) and saw that I had sent about 30 times more info than I'd received... so yeah, it definitely had a virus. It was rather old anyway...
You see where this is going, don't you?

Yeah, I bought a laptop.

Dad would have been proud of me though... it's very nice and I got a great deal. DVD recording drive, nice big display, a decent pointing device for a laptop (although I'm still going to get a mouse) wireless internet, XP, Office 2003, the whole 9. Saw the same one at Office Depot for $200 more. Go me.

So what's going on with me....... hmm.

I've had some trouble with the estate. Mainly getting down to the cleaning parts. I've done all of the money things, consolidated all of the CDs and whatnot that were scattered throughout the world (okay, so more like 2 blocks in Denton), opened an estate account to pay the bills... paid for the funeral and have started all of those processes. I'm just having trouble with the house. I know that I need to get on the ball with it... Heather was a huge help to me, she came with me the last time I went down and she singlehandedly cleaned out an entire room. Part of the problem is all of the mold in the house... I feel like I'm going to die when I walk in there. The next time I go back, I'm bringing one of those masks like surgeons and people in Tokyo wear. So I'm thinking that I'll at least take out the offending ceiling tiles and that will help somewhat. I need to find out how to rent one of those big trash containers, because that's where 90% of it is going. Okay, maybe 70%... but a large portion nonetheless. People keep telling me that I can donate stuff to Goodwill or wherever and get a tax write-off. Those are people who've never seen the house. Cataloging all of that stuff is going to be a nightmare. And I need to get it clean enough for an appraiser to come in and look at everything. It's just a wreck.

I do have at least some of the car stuff straightened out... I had the 2001 MR2 spyder towed to Neviaser toyota in Easton and they helped me out in a big way... they made me two keys and reprogrammed the computer to take them. So now I have Roxie and the MR2. There are still two other MR2's that I need to have a locksmith come out and handle, but I found a spare for the Integra. I also cleaned the Integra the last time I was there... It smelled kind of like Dad's house.

As far as me... I guess that I'm doing as well as you can expect. From time to time I start crying for apparently no reason. But of course there's a reason. On the way home from class tonight I was driving the MR2 and I just started bawling. I think that's good though... sometimes I feel like I can't cry at all.. it's like I'm emotionless and I'm just going through the motions of life.

I ended up dropping my sociology class... I had to cut something out somewhere, and I couldn't cut out work, the estate or Brian. Or the little bit of time that I have with my friends. I would lose the bit of sanity that I have left. I'm still taking a developmental psych class, but I'm having trouble getting my reading done and actually processing the information. We had our first test tonight and I'll be ecstatic if I get a B. I'm expecting a C. That might not seem like a big deal to some people, but to me it really is. I told my professor that I wasn't too sure how I was going to do on the test and she told me that I should have called her and she will work with me. If I don't do well I'm sure that she'll work with me anyway... she'll probably be pretty lax grading my essays. Definitely made the right decision by taking another one of her classes!!

Anyway, I'm going to post this now before it gets too late because I still have some other online crap to do.

Update
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Miscellaneous goings-on
Let's see........... I've been really bad about updating this blog... hopefully I'll be better about it soon. I found my dad's laptop at the house, so at least I'll have something to use at home now. It was my plan to get a laptop this year anyway for school and what-not.

There were a bunch of other things that happened right around the time that my father passed away, too... Brian moved to NC for his job, the week that I returned to work I had my car broken into (broke my passenger side window, stole my cd player & stole my dad's briefcase which had sentimental value but also all of the keys to all of his vehicles in it)...the weekend before my dad died, Brian and I were supposed to have lunch with him, but neither me, dad, or Brian were feeling well, and after I went to my friend's wedding, I ended up taking Brian to the hospital with a 105 temperature, he was admitted with pneumonia that weekend. I was very sick of hospitals by the end of that week. :-/

The good news is that it's now September, and that means that this awful August is now over. This month has been better... I'd been down to NC twice to visit Brian, and he came up once as well. Last weekend was supposed to be the first weekend apart that we were going to have, but he surprised me Saturday night at a party with the news that not only was he there for the weekend; he got the BWI route that I was hoping for and he'll be here indefinitely. :) So that was great news... he made a lot of sacrifices to do that, and it means so much to me that he did that. He said that I'm the reason that he came home - otherwise he would have taken a better route somewhere else.

In other news, I'm back in school..... I wanted to take this semester off, but thought that my father wouldn't have wanted that, so I'm going ahead and taking classes. If it ends up being too overwhelming, I might drop one, but we'll see.

Well, I have to get some other things done before class... so hopefully I'll be better about keeping this up to date. Hope everyone had a nice summer.

some eulogies...
Mood:  smelly
Topic: Friends and Family
Sorry that I haven't posted... I'm sure that you understand.

Anyway, I wanted to post the eulogies read at the service.

Here is the one that I wrote:

Let me just say that I consider myself one of the most fortunate people in the world, because I was blessed enough to be Mark’s only child. He was the best father I could have asked for, and I’m thankful for the close relationship that we had, and the years we had together-although they were much too short. Like most people here, I was convinced that my father would live forever, and the loss of him has been devastating to me, as I know that it is to this entire community. He loved this community dearly, and as I’ve seen over the past week, this community loved him just as much. I know that most of you are just as shocked and heartbroken as I am.
My father loved life and everything in it. He was a lifetime student as well as a lifetime teacher. Whether the subject matter was organic or mechanical, he wanted to take it apart to see what made it tick. He would rather understand a person than judge them, and would do whatever he could to help someone out, whether they realized they’d been helped or not.
My father and I shared many a night at Pizza Hut, usually Mondays, because that was 2 for 1 pasta night. Other nights we would rent a movie from the library or off the dollar rack at Video Scene and pop some popcorn.
I really wish that I could tell you all of my dad’s interests, but they were so numerous that I wouldn’t want to leave anything out. There’s really not much that my dad wasn’t interested in – except for pop culture, of course, and I never knew him to go skydiving, either. He was always on the go; always everywhere and into everything. I can’t tell you how many people I would run into who had just seen my dad recently – most frequently at the library, of course.
My friend told me of one sighting last year – she was driving through town when she heard what she thought was a lawnmower. She was trying to figure out where it was coming from, but then she saw my dad driving down the road in one of his little MR-2’s. I think that it was probably the same one that he was driving when he was late to my company picnic last year – the muffler fell off on his way there. A normal person would have just said “Forget it, it’s not worth the trouble!” – but not my dad. He turned around and just brought his other car. If he said that he would be somewhere, you could count on him. I certainly wish that I would have inherited his punctuality, but timeliness is not one of my qualities.
My dad took me trick-or-treating for Halloween each year. One year, he painted my face like a witch… he did such a good job that when I looked in the mirror, I started crying. He washing it all off of my face and made it a little less scary. Since no one else would be home, he decided to leave the candy in a bowl on the porch. He looked through all the cabinets and could only find the big stainless steel bowl that he used to make his homemade granola (which he would pour apple juice over and eat for breakfast every morning). So he put the bowl out with the candy on the front porch. When we returned from trick-or-treating, the bowl had disappeared. My father was so upset that those ‘little hoodlums’ had taken his bowl! A few months later, he saw his bowl under the community center by our house. It was all dented up and dirty, but my dad was so happy to have his bowl back. I said, “You aren’t going to use that, are you?” To which he replied, “I can still use it – I’ll just wash it and bend it back into the best shape I can.” My father was the same way with people – they held the same value to him, even if they were a little dirty or beaten up; if they weren’t particularly shiny. If they were uneducated, he would teach them. If they’d fallen down, he’d give them a hand up. He was able to see the potential in them, even if they couldn’t see it themselves. My father was a great man, and he tried to find the good in people, and he would put forth all of his effort into making his community a better place.
I want to just take a minute to read something that I gave my dad close to 10 years ago for Father’s Day – and please excuse the liberties that I apparently took to make things rhyme:
Happy Father’s Day!
Featuring a poem as the next thing in the series of “Best Dad in the World”. I know that I haven’t been the best daughter, but you’ve been the best dad. I love you!
A day like today
Is just like any other
Except that it’s special
And full of mush-all
You’ve been there for me
When I needed you most
And it makes me feel good
When to others you boast
About me.
But you’re my dad
And you’re doing a great job.
When I thought the world
Was coming down,
You braced it with your back
And with me, I know that I’ve
Put you on the rack-
A lot.
But in the end I know
That you only want the best for me
And I’ve learned so much from you –
If you only knew…
How much I love you!
In closing, I’d like to say that if one day, I can have even half of the impact that my father had in this world, that I will have achieved great things.


My aunt nancy sent a great one, too... there's another one that my dad's friend wrote that I'll post up here when I get it typed up.

This is from her:

I’m sorry I’m unable to be here with you today to celebrate the life of my brother, Mark. I would have liked to meet each and every one of his Caroline County family because I know how much you have enriched his life during the past 25 years and helped make it possible for him to live the authentic life that was so important to him.
Mark and I have always had a lot in common. We shared a great love of music, particularly Frank Sinatra. Mark introduced me to his music when I was a teenager and taught me not just to love it but to understand WHY I loved it.
We have both followed careers as professional entertainers, and one of my regrets is that, while we performed together as children and during university, we never did so professionally.
We shared a love of art, culture, psychology, good company and stimulating conversation. We were united by our place in the family as the two rebellious middle children; and this may have been part of what lead us both to leave the suburbs of Washington, D.C. for more exotic destinations.
We shared an intense allergy to vacuum cleaners. And I intend to carry on this tradition, Mark. Don’t you worry about that!
When I was a teenager, Mark taught me to smoke a pipe. Fortunately that one went by the wayside.
There is a lot about Mark that I will carry with me every day of my life. But of all his qualities, to me, the most impressive thing about him was his courage and relentless insistence on leading an authentic life. He lived his life from the inside out, with a shrug at how others might perceive him from their side. He was equally disinterested in judging or trying to change others.
He judged his wealth by what was inside him, not the external trappings. . . . Well, except maybe for his car and his extensive E-Bay collection…….. And he particularly judged his wealth by what he knew. He LOVED to share that knowledge, sometimes more than we might have wished. I once asked him for his opinion when I was planning to purchase a new keyboard, and his expertise was so detailed and technical that within a few minutes my eyes were glazing over and I wanted to say “too much information, Mark,” but he shared with so much joy, I didn’t have the heart. I’m so glad now that I just listened.
So today, I’m going to share something very special with you. Of all the things that I learned from Mark, this is one of the things that I have treasured year after year and which has provided me with great sustenance. It’s something even the average person, like myself, can understand. It’s his recipe for popcorn. The night he died, I popped a batch and watched one of his favorite movies, “Revenge of the Nerds”. This seemed to me to be a fitting tribute.
Popcorn was serious business with Mark, and he researched the best way to get the best result. Every detail is important.
Cover the bottom of a pan with one layer of popcorn and drizzle oil over it. Shake the pan around until all the kernels are coated. Cover and heat on medium high. When you hear the first kernel pop, slightly lift the cover and throw in two tablespoons of butter or margarine and quickly close the cover.
Shake the pan as the corn pops until no more popping is heard. The butter will have melted into the popcorn and you will have only one pan to wash. That’s the best part. But the popcorn is great too. And if you are careful lifting the lid, you won’t have to vacuum.
I’d like to leave you with one last thought, not mine, but Ingrid Van Meter’s, someone I found on the internet when I was searching for some wisdom on accepting the death of my dear brother, who wanted to live forever, at such a young age:
“We leave this earth with unfinished business of many kinds, such as discovering more of our latent possibilities, and resolving relationships. Inwardly we are never separated from those we love. Whatever our memories of them, the finest and most meaningful will be experienced after death. Where there have been deep bonds we are bound to be together again and again, for love is eternal.”
Every time that corn pops, that’s my big brother.

Well, hopefully I can post more later.. thanks for reading.

this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with
Mood:  down
Topic: Friends and Family
just wanted to let you all know that my father passed away last friday, 8/5... much too young, very unexpected. i'm absolutely devastated, as is the entire community that i grew up. i never thought that i'd have to do this at 25. i never really thought that i'd ever have to do it - he ate right (up until he was diagnosed with diabetes this june), exercised, volunteered... he lived life the way you're supposed to. it's tragic and i just don't have the words to describe how i feel. it's impossible. so if i don't post for a while, that's why... for those of you who don't really know me, i'm an only child so i'm responsible for pretty much everything. fortunately i've had a lot of help from family, friends and the community, but it's still hard. anyway, i have lots of things to do, so i'd better get to them. just thought you all should know.

Surprise! I'm still alive...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Sarah McLachlan
Topic: Introspection

I made this post on my other blog today……… just thought that I'd let everyone know my innermost thoughts for once… I usually save this kind of stuff for my personal blog. I actually added some extra stuff to this post, too.

I'm eating lunch at my desk right now & thought that I'd surprise everyone and make a post. I've been thinking a lot lately about learning to fly. I wish that I had the time and resources to do it now, but I don't see it happening for a while. At least I'd have the best damn flight instructor in the world!

Speaking of that flight instructor, in the past several weeks, I've found that a) he doesn't think that people should live together before they're married and b) he doesn't think people should consider marriage until they've been together for 3 years.

Wow.

That's such a foreign concept to me, I didn't even know what to say. Granted, we've only been together for 6 months, so it's not like I'm rushing to get down the aisle, but at the same time, I'd like to be a little more on the same page as him. Three years seems a bit long to me. Maybe that's just because I feel like he's the right person for me, I don't know. He has all of the qualities that I look for in a mate, and I just think that we could be very happy together for a very long time. I'm a romantic, but I'm also a realist… I don't believe that there is one soulmate out there for each person… I think that there are plenty of people in this world that you can find that would be compatible. Relationships take a lot of work, honesty, and communication. Most of the relationships that I've been in - I'd say at least 90% of them, I start losing interest after 5 or 6 months. Not so with this one. It seems like I find new reasons every day to love him. Yeah, I'm pathetic. I'm hoping that he changes his mind on us eventually living together - I think that you should consider it at least when you get engaged. Then again, it wouldn't hurt me to live on my own for a while. I don't know. Why I'm even thinking about this so soon is beyond me. Craziness. I guess that it's just because there are a lot of people getting married and engaged around me right now and it's just making me think. This is why I need to get back to school and taking classes… so I can focus my energy on something else besides worrying about the future.

Guess that's it. Lunch is almost over.

another chapter..
Mood:  special
Topic: News
Brian got the job in NC, he starts training on August 15th. I'm happy for him, but I'm really going to miss him being around. I guess that this is the true test of our relationship! I'll use the extra time to really work on school... I may end up picking up another class or two in the spring to speed up the process. I really need to finish my degree..... my life isn't dependent on what he's doing, but I am definitely taking our relationship into account.

Sorry that this is so short, but it's the end of the day and I need to get out of here.